Well, here we are again. Every June the eyes of the world descend on the sweaty halls of Los Angeles to hear about the future of video games. Games are announced, games are shown and games are confined to oblivion by terrible presentations. Huge companies pretend to be your friend while they try to sell you on software that won’t be playable this decade. Now I could write an article prediction BloodBorne 2 or a God of War release date, but that’s boring. So instead here’s my list of terrible E3 predictions that might actually come true.
1. UBISOFT'S CONFERENCE WILL INCLUDE MORE THAN ONE DAB
Now we all love to dab. Frankly, it’s the only way I sneeze these days, but is there anything less rad than these old men trying to culturally appropriate our hip move? Keep an eye out for these lame suits to try and fail to be jiggy with it. The presentation will open with a montage of Assassin's Creed man, White Supremacists and the cars from The Crew 2 dabbing in time to pop songs that were hugely popular last November. Despite not hosting, Aisha Tyler will make her presence felt by showing up via satellite holding a fidget spinner and talking about her theoretical erection. Out of work actors from the LA area will swarm the stage to announce Just Dab 2018, coming to every platform since the Commodore 64. Finally, Yves Guillemot will take the stage and beg people to buy Mario X Rabbids to stave off the hostile takeover of Vivendab.
And they won’t show Beyond Good & Evil 2.
2. MICROSOFT WILL FORGET TO SHOW GAMES.
Phil Spencer seems like a cool dad. He didn’t mind when you and your friends were drinking underage. He would always give you a lift to a house party. But as the head of Xbox, he hasn’t exactly smashed it just yet. Backwards compatibility, excellent racing games and some decent T-shirt and blazer combos aside, Xbox’s first party output hasn’t been stellar. With a new, undoubtedly expensive leap on console hardware on the way, Xbox is going to have to give people a reason to buy the thing.
That’s why it’s going to be extra embarrassing when during their press briefing Xbox spends so long talking about how many flops they have that they completely forget to mention what games it will play. Developers will be waiting backstage ready to show Halo 6, Gears 5 and Forza : More Cars, but Phil in his excitement, enthusiasm and Dadishness will forget completely leaving him to run to the garage last minute to pick up your mum,(your mum being gamers in this weak metaphor), the bargain flowers of the gaming industry, the petals will be rendered in the cloud though, so that’s something.
Cuphead will never be seen again.
3. SQUARE WILL ANNOUNCE KINGDOM HEARTS 3 REMASTERED, CONTINUE TO RUIN THEIR WESTERN GAMES.
While Kingdom Hearts 3 is still 10 years away, Square is already hard at work creating the most complete, definitive, extended, special edition, director's cut of the sure to be excellent and not overly hyped at all sequel. Square will also be happy to announce that they have started planning the Final Fantasy 7 remakes by opening a Google Doc and titling it "FF7-Draft."
They’ll also drag a bald man in a suit out on stage and execute him to ceremonially conclude the best title they’ve released in 10 years. As the new Tomb Raider is shown, 100 e-petitions calling Laura Croft a feminazi and demanding more games with male leads will appear and achieve a total of 6 signatures. Square will expect the new Tomb Raider to sell 25 million units and after it doesn't they'll sell Crystal Dynamics.
4. SONY WILL ANNOUNCE A RELEASE DATE FOR DEATH STRANDING AT THE BEGINNING OF THEIR CONFERENCE AND KOJIMA HIMSELF WILL DELAY IT LATER IN THE SAME SHOW.
Hideo Kojima is a lad. He’s always up for a bit of banter and honestly with the money he’s being thrown to make his weird robot baby game he can do whatever he wants. Having spent more of Sony’s money on actors for trailers that will only tenuously link to the game itself, he’ll descend from on high and talk about anything but Death Stranding for 20 minutes. He’ll introduce Emma Stone, leaving the audience excited for a potential casting announcement, only for him to talk about La La Land and to reveal his Ryan Gosling cosplay. They’ll dance for a while as the crowd sits in silence completely stunned. White text on a black screen reading “2022?”. People will continue to defend him in comments until his retirement from games in late 2018.
5. EA WILL ANNOUNCE SKATE 4 AND THEY’LL RUIN IT.
You can shove Half-Life 3 up your arse, the game that deserves a sequel more than any in the industry is Skate 3. Millions of people have joined in solidarity, commenting #Skate4 on every EA social media post for months. In this divisive, troubling time it’s something that people from both sides of the fence can agree on, Skate 4 has to happen. Now if you cast your mind back to the far flung past of 2016 you may remember a sequel to another niche, beloved title; Mirror's Edge Catalyst. So you can see why I’m fairly certain that even if EA buckle to the mounting social media pressure, they’ll completely mess it up. The team that made the original game doesn’t exist anymore and EA seem pretty interested in games they can’t inject packs of cards into. And while I'd give anything to pull a Legend Bam Margera from a pack, look for Skate 4 to be a rushed, sloppy mess that will forever be used as EA’s excuse to why they won’t make a new Dead Space either. Your CEO may be a robot EA, but somewhere in his coding must be the power to feel. The power to love. The power to kickflip.
For all your coverage, serious and sarcastic from E3 2017, keep it locked to Keen Gamer.